After starting my period at the age of 9 I have been told that the menstruation cycle is part of a woman’s life and we need to just get on with it. Don’t talk about bleeding or cramps, you’re making me feel uncomfortable but talk about blow jobs and sex and that’s ok. My mind was blown, how can something so natural be such a taboo subject? At the age of 18 I was diagnosed with bipolar. My mood swings were unbelievable. On cloud 9 one day, feeling determined, made so many plans my diary was fit to burst, then the following days my head didn’t want to leave the pillow. I wanted nothing more than to quit my job and run away from life, even to end it all. Upsetting people by cancelling the plans that I had made with them. Feeling like the worst person in the world, this just fuelled my anxiety. I have lost so many people in my life because of my actions. I have been on various anti-depressants and dosages throughout my life. Every month I would get this incredible rage that I couldn’t control, my mouth was vile, and I knew what I was saying wasn’t me and I didn’t mean it, but it was constant, and I couldn’t stop. I hate the world and all the people in it. It’s a very strange feeling when I become my ugly self and I see the ugly in others.
When I was 20, I became pregnant with my first child, and oh my word the symptoms stopped. No longer was I angry, anxious, low, feeling suicidal, it was like the red mist had lifted and I was able to breath and enjoy life. Unfortunately, I suffered with severe morning sickness all the way through my pregnancy but hey I didn’t care because I could enjoy my days like I have never been able to before. Unfortunately, once I had my daughter it came back with a vengeance. So back on the tablets I went. Every time I went to the doctors as I knew I wasn’t right, I would end up in floods of tears and pleading for help as I hated living in my own head. Instead of looking at what points I was low or looking to do some tests I was given an increase in my anti-depressant to sedate me, to shut me up. This was my life until I had my second child when I was 26, again I suffered with morning sickness all the way through but the anger, anxiety and feeling so low had gone. Again, once my son was born the symptoms came back which means another increase of anti-depressants, and dealing with 2 kids, 2 dogs, a husband and working full time and not understanding who I am or why I feel like the life I have is not enough.
One day grateful for everything I have and the next willing to throw it all away to be at peace.
On a hamster wheel for 15 years when I finally hit a point where I couldn’t cope. It was March 2020, just before COVID 19 happened. I went through severe personal issues and I sort help from a life coach. I was seeing her on a weekly basis, and it came apparent quite quickly that she didn’t deem me as bipolar and she felt there was some sort of hormonal issues. She asked me to diaries all my emotions and physical symptoms so we can look through them for patterns. After documenting this for 6 months we went through everything to find huge patterns in my behaviours and my outlook on life. My periods were like clockwork, 28 days for 5 days, but the 10 days leading up to the period were alarming. In October 2020 I decided I didn’t want to suppress my emotions anymore and came off ALL medication. After 15 years of being sedated and told I had a severe depression it became apparent that I am not depressed, I don’t have a mood disorder I have PMDD.
Since March 2020 I have logged my emotions and symptoms daily, I have dedicated my life to a slower pace, not putting pressure on myself to be the best mum, not to have my home looking like a show house, but to have it as a home. To look after myself by doing my daily self-care. I split myself care into two parts, one for the mind and one for the body. You cannot neglect either one. You need to take care of the mind and the body. Think of your body like an machine, you need to tweak the cogs in each area to create the balance you need. I have always felt so lost in life, but realising that this is my purpose. My purpose is to be a advocate for all things woman. We are all incredible in our own way, i am here for each and everyone of you. I have a long story to tell and i am always here to hear yours. Let's get to know ourselves and be more mindful with our days. No more beating ourselves up or being hard on our selves on them slower lower days. Take each day as it comes.